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Most of my poetry revolves around my eating disorder and self-injury. I find it helps me to purge some of my pain through this form of expression.
Some of it also contains strong language, so before you read on, you have been warned.
*Enjoy*
New Poem Added (see bottom of page)
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Prisoner
Oh to be free,
Free of this weighted vessel
With its earthly needs and desires.
And failings.
I am done.
I am finished with this corpse,
This bloated heap of fatty tissue.
I WANT OUT!!!
Oh to break the bond,
To stop the pain,
To escape the flesh,
TO RIP IT OFF,
AND START AGAIN.
And float,
And soar,
And dance with the air,
And swoop and dive,
And not be there.
Unseen by the eye,
This sparkling sprite,
Can pirouette, swirl,
Her soul delights.
And then the dream is broken,
Snatched cruelly away.
My ecstatic soul sent hurtling back,
To its tired, aching body,
Again trapped in the dungeon of reality.
My dream.
My precious fantasy.
Lying in a million shattered pieces,
Like shards of icicles,
Melting into the wasteland.
I fall to my knees.
My soul emits a cry
And screams.
A silent, agonising scream.
A bitter cascade of hot tears
Streams down my cheeks
And threatens to engulf me.
With a mournful cry,
The soul concedes,
To be resigned to
Captivity.
The cruel mockery of it all.
I should know better than to dream.
©(Avril Casey, 20/01/2000)
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Sweet Sorrow
Is it easier this way,
Can I make it through today,
Will the parting be sweet sorrow,
Can I hang on 'til tomorrow?
Why should I try to interfere
With their lives, their joy, their cheer?
In my mind it's crystal clear,
I don't belong here.
Can I find comfort in starvation,
Slip away from human love?
I doubt they'll find it too hard to carry on,
Business as usual.
That girl in everyone's mind
Could have been me,
SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME
But I'm weak,
FUCKING WEAK!!!
And jealous if you want the truth,
Why can't I be more like you?
Still, new beginning should make things okay
But in my mind, I know I'm just running away.
Leave them in the past,
In sadder memories
Fading with every day,
Fading with each promise to phone,
Won't be too long now, 'til I'm on my own.
So I'll wallow in self-pity,
And bathe in my insecurities,
Candelight blurs,
Mixed with salty tears,
Now I've opened a floodgate
Of sorrow and fears,
And a need to be loved
And to love myself.
It's a catch twenty-two,
Where'd it all go wrong?
©Avril Casey
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The Troll
Trapped in a dungeon,
Self-inflicted bars of iron and depression
Sever all ties to the magic of faeryland,
To the magic of purity,
Of skin and bone
And a twisted strength she once knew.
A music that once played for her alone.
A stab of pain shoots through the heart
Of this ugly troll, as she casts her mind back
To a time when she ruled faeryland.
Long ago. In another lifetime.
Each day, she sits in her dark cell
Mourning the death of the faery within her.
Tears sting her eyes, guilt stabs her heart,
And regret is all she knows.
The dream has died.
The faery world has severed all links with her,
Leaving her peering into their world
Through the small window of her hovel,
Her fat fingers gripping the bars of steel,
The ache of longing tearing apart her soul.
The only way back to faeryland,
Is with a will, and a discipline, and a strength
That, somehow,
Is elusive to her now.
And until she finds that control again,
She cannot dance,
or sing,
or fly,
Light as a feather, carried along by the breeze.
And until the day of her rebirth,
She is condemned to her dungeon,
To sit in the dank and cold.
Alone with her ugliness.
Alone with her despair.
A pathetic troll,
Too fat to fly with the other sprites.
©Avril Casey 18/11/2000
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How Do I Hate Thee?
Tears of anger
Spring from my eyes,
Ager at myself for being so weak,
For being such a stupid bitch.
Grab the blade nearby,
Stab my arms several times.
Wise up you stupid cow,
Look at yourself,
Your sorry life,
This bloody mess!
And when you stick your fingers down your throat,
Does that help?
Make you feel any better?
The empty feeling in my stomach,
Mirrors that which I have in my heart.
The first lifts me up,
The second brings me down,
Ironic, don't you think,
That I smile when I frown.
©Avril Casey
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Self Portrait
I sat down
And began to paint a picture.
One stroke,
I pull the blade towards me.
Another,
Painting on the pale canvas
As the warmth spreads along my arms.
Another,
And then another,
The colour appearing in rows of scarlet bubbles,
Vibrant red on white.
The blade is my brush,
Flowing along in swift fluid lines,
Crossing each other.
Faster now, less hesitant,
Using the full length of the canvas
Until...too much, too close.
The artist stops, regards her work.
Each cut,
Another emotion flowing to the sore, hot surface
Telling a story,
Relating a pain,
Buried underneath the layers,
Buried deeper than the scarred flesh,
A silent tribute to the mess inside,
Screaming in vain to be heard.
But this masterpiece is added
to her private collection,
For her eyes only.
The flesh will heal,
and the painting will fade,
But some other things
Will have to wait.
©Avril Casey
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Ode to My Shrink
"How do you feel about your body?
Peel the onion back and
Find the emotion underpinning that statement."
OH FUCK YOU AND YOUR
EDUCATED,INTELLECTUAL, SUPERIOR,
CLINICAL, PSYCHO-BABBLING BULLSHIT!
Have you been there?
Do you know how it feels?
Do you know what it's like
To hate yourself so much
That you break a glass and
Slit your fucking wrist
Just to escape the fat, the guilt, the pain?
No you fucking don't.
So don't siet there
Looking down on me
With your smug face and tight lips,
Asking me to peel a fucking onion back!
Tick, tick, tick, and the hour's up.
It's time to stop 'caring'
And count your money,
Indifferent to the feelings
Of just another patient.
©Avril Casey
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Do You Ever Feel Like Me?
Do you ever feel
Useless, pointless,
Like anything you do, you'll fail,
Like anything you touch will turn to shit?
Do you ever feel like me?
Do you ever feel
Fat, ugly, grotesque,
Like your only comfort
Is the empty feeling in your stomach,
Or the times you get up from
Leaning over the toilet?
Do you ever feel like me?
Do you ever feel
Worthless
Like you don't deserve your friends,
Your life, your needs?
Do you ever feel like me?
Do you ever feel
Depressed,
In a rut,
Needing something to bring you up to speed?
Throw it all away, what's the use
Curl up into my self-abuse.
Do you ever feel
Guilty, to blame,
Like you should be happy for the good,
Appreciate those who care,
Not let them down,
Not let them down.
Do you ever feel like me?
© Avril Casey
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Outside My Window
Staring out the window,
A single magpie lands on the wall.
'One for sorrow'.
But it doesn't bother me.
You see, it couldn't get much worse,
Another ounce of sorrow,
Added to the collection I've made,
Won't make much difference.
You see, I binged today.
Staring out the window,
Another magpie lands beside his friend.
'Two for joy'.
But it doesn't excite me.
You see, although it couldn't get much worse,
A little ray of sunshine
Won't change the fact that
These dark clouds hang over me
All year round.
And one spell of brightness
Won't stop the rain.
So what's the difference?
You see, I binged today.
Staring out the window.
The magpies fly away.
Leaving me alone with my thoughts,
My grief, my guilt.
They swoop, they soar into the open sky.
'Free as a bird'.
I wish I could fly.
Free of these chains that pin me down,
These bars that lock me away
From the innocent happiness I used to know.
You see, it's too late now.
No point crying for yesterdays.
Wishing won't make a difference.
You see, if I binge or not,
Tomorrow will be just like today.
These feelings just won't go away.
©Avril Casey
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To Next Time
I'm so ugly inside
That I can't live my life
Not being beautiful on the outside.
So I put pen to paper
And tried to write something beautiful.
But they say that beauty comes from within,
And I guess that's a battle,
That I'll never win.
This war has waged in my head,
For, maybe four years,
And over that time,
I've shed blood, I've shed tears.
'Cause I lost and I failed,
I was so fucking weak,
I'd sit and I'd cry,
Pathetic old me.
And all I was left with
Was a big fat mess.
'Cause all I was left with
Was me.
Obsession,
But no will to carry it through,
Just disgust and self-loathing,
I still have something to prove.
So now's the time to change.
This time it's different,
I can find a way.
©Avril Casey 1996
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Untitled (new)
I want to die
I want to be thin
I want to smash the room up
I want to scream
I want to cut
I WANT TO STOP THIS SHIT!
I just want it back the way it was
Impatience,
Eating away at my brain,
Sending me into FITS OF RAGE,
Into fits of tears.
Self-destruct.
Stop this pain...
©Avril Casey, Feb 2001
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