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Welcome to my online journal. I don't update it every day - rather, I just add to it whenever I feel that I need to vent or express my emotions.

*xtremity*

Most recent entry first...scroll down for past entries.


Also, see THIS PAGE for more entries.


UPDATE!
July entries have been added to my Journal website. To view these entries, click on this link!


Wed, 28th Feb, 2001

Holy fuckin' shit! I did it again. I fucked up. All of that "I'm back on track" stuff was just a load of shit! Christ, and I actually believed it! I actually had myself thinking that this was it, that I was back in control, that THIS was when I was going to get back into anorexia for real and get back to the times when I could lose the weight again. But no, of course not. I'm so fuckin' WEAK! WEAK FUCKIN BITCH! And tomorrow will probably be no better.

Yeah, I know, I'm having a nice little pity party here. I'm self-destructing and I'm not doing a thing to save myself or to stop it. Ack, I know I should tell myself to make up for it tomorrow. I know I should be looking at Trigger Pix and making food plans for tomorrow that involve less than 400 cals. But I'm not, am I? No, instead I'm sitting here, wallowing in my self-pity and self-hatred and, let's face it, making matters worse by not trying to change things.

I went fucking mental tonite - I had all this anger in me. Add to that the fact that I was already clocking up the cals, and I was going thru some intense binge feelings, some major guilt, and a lot of resentment. So, I took an umbrella (closest I could find to a destructive implement), and began to whack the sofa repeatedly. If the sofa was a person, I would've beat the living shit out of them...and probably killed them! I think I would've like to have gone outside my body and hit MYSELF repeatedly with the umbrella! THAT is what I would have liked to have done. It's what I deserve.

Who knows, maybe I'll do a 360 degree turn by the morning and be back on track again. Maybe I'll be knee deep in binge food. Fuck, I don't know what to do at this stage.

I was thinking of Rob today. I don't know what triggered that, but I was wishing he would call me. Yeah right, the fucker hasn't called in months - why would he call now?! But I really wanted him to call me, just so that I could have it out with him. Just so that I could tell him how much it hurts that he just abandoned me, how much I hate him for thinking that I'm just "looking for attention", how much I resent the fact that he was the only one I confided in for years and then he turns around and tells me that anorexia is all about "vanity" and "wanting to look good" and how "shallow" he thinks this whole thing is. FUCK HIM! I want to shout and scream at him, tell him that anorexia is a fucking mental disease, an illness, not something as petty and shallow as wanting to be pretty! All those years, thinking that he understood that fact, and then he just tells me it's about "attention-seeking"!!! God, I thought he was different. I thought he knew better than that. Now, everything I told him, everything that he told me, is just worthless, tainted. It's not worth a shit. Ignorant fuck!

Yes, I think there's still quite a bit of pent-up aggression there (!)

I'm seeing my shrink again tomorrow. I'm thinking it'll be my last visit. I don't want to be going to someone who's trying to make me "better". The therapy is not for the ED, but rather for my depression, but even so, the therapy spills over into my ED as the two are so closely linked, and I don't want anyone trying to change my ED. Not that they'd succeed, but why should I be paying money for something I hate?

There's literally a million and one thoughts going through my head right now, and I can't verbalise them all, so I'll just leave it at this.

xtremity



Mon, 26th Feb, 2001

Ok, shit. I just had the biggest scare. I'm still trying to calm the fuck down. Ok, breathe, breathe, breathe...

Ok, so i nearly binged. Well, not quite binged, as such, but the speed at which I was eating really scared me. I started off with mushrooms. Safe enough, right? But eating anything at all sparked off a need for more. Having waited for a while, smoking, trying to calm down, I decided to get something else. Something healthy - veg or fruit. Anyway, I got to the kitchen, and reached for the bread. "I can have 200 cals worth", I told myself. "Just to stave off carb-cravings later on". Then I spotted some chocolate. AGHHHHHHHHH! I only had some scrapings off it, which i did with a knife. I gave it 60 cals, because it wasnt too much - just a taste. But then I felt like more. So I had another 300 g of mushrooms.

Panic rising. "How many cals have I had?". Shit, fuck, shit! I counted them up: only 340 cals. Relief washing over me. Panic subsiding. Only 340 cals. I left the kitchen.

I'm now in the safety of the computer room.
Chain smoking as if I haven't had one in days. That was close. It really scared me. But I'm ok. I've had 570 cals so far today, and I only plan on having 250g of veg later, so another 90 cals. Still under 800. I'm ok. I'm going to be ok...

Earlier that same day:


It's amazing! In the past 2 weeks, I've been feeling so much stronger, so much more determined, so much more like I used to feel in the throes of anorexia. Firstly, I've lost 4 lbs!
Secondly, I've finally been able to break my recent cycle of "good-week, bad-week". I had a really good week, then on Sat & Sun, I have to admit that my cals were too high. HOWEVER, unlike before, I did not allow this to turn into a bad week. I accepted that I had had 2 bad days, then picked myself up, and I am making this week another good one!!! This is the first time that this has happened in so long.

I'm so excited. It's a nervous excitement, a hopeful excitement, a frightened excitement. Part of me knows that I am definately back on track. But there's this nagging voice at the back of my head that seems to tell me that I could fuck up at any minute. That, based on past experience, I will only last another day before all I have worked for is taken away from me in a moment of weakness. I am definately gaining in confindence though. I am better equipped to ignore that voice and continue to restrict and work at this. I've been exercising very regularly - I wont let myself sit down for more than 20 mins without doing some form of physical exercise (running up & down the stairs, jumping jacks, kickboxing, or even my calisthenics).

I want this to work this time. I want it back the way it was. I NEED this to work this time. The thing is, I really feel that it WILL work from here on in. All I need now is patience. Slowly and surely, I will do what it takes to lose the weight. I will fit into my thin clothes. I will feel that light-headedness once again. I will be able to run my fingers over my rib cage and my hip bone. And once more, I will have overcome my physical needs to be the waif I want and need to be so badly.

xtremity




Wed, 21st Feb, 2001

This is just a quick update on how my food, etc. has been for the past few days.

Firstly, I'll take you back to Sun. night. I fell asleep in the wee hours of the morning, and because I had gotten a MAX 5 hours sleep all week, I completely crashed out and slept right through until Tues. morning, when I had to get up for work. The wonderful bliss of being unconscious - sleep. I did wake up several times, but each time< I turned over and fell straight back to sleep. Each time, I thought to myself how wonderful it would be to sleep for eternity. Just down a load of pills and never again wake up and have to face this mess called my life. But life, I suppose, goes on.

The great thing about all this sleep, was that it completely interrupted and put a stop to my binge cycle! On Tues, I had 560 cals, and today (Wed), I had 360 cals!!! I have been reborn! Most of the time, even when I am doing really well food-wise, I am not convinced that I am getting back on track. It feels like I'm just 'doing okay for a few days before my next royal screw up'. But today for some reason, I really felt like I could do this again.

Actually, I have a good idea why I thought this. Last night, I could feel that horrible 'binge' feeling coming on. It was late at night, and my rule is: 'no food for 5 hours before going to bed'. So, I desperately did not want to give in to these urges and thoughts that were gnawing away at my brain and my willpower. For a moment in time, I really considered going down to the kitchen. I really, seriously considered it. Cut then, I told myself (albeit in a half-hearted way) that I would feel the worse for it in the morning, that if I could just resist, that I would feel stronger and disciplined and powerful...just like the good old days. I went to bed, and cried for the longest time thinking about Nrgzed, my one and only friend in the world, who is in another country right now. I miss her so much. I miss the talks we used to have when she was here. I miss being able to confide in someone who totally understood what I was saying and where I was coming from. She was, and is the only person I can talk to, and without her here, I feel so alone. My mind kept jumping back and forth to how lonely I felt, and how much I wanted to eat. I'm sure it was not a coincidence that I was feeling empty in both an emotional and physical capacity. Y'know, needing to fill an emotional gap with food? Nevertheless, I did resist, and even though I didn't feel wonderfully powerful and invincible this morning, I did sense that I had the strength in me to do it, and that if I could just keep that mindset, that I would be able to lose the weight again.

xtremity



Tues 20th Feb, 2001

This pain in my stomach, won't go away. I assume this is punishment, for the mistakes I've made. (Limp Bizkit fans will get the reference here!). But it is true.

I'm in No-Man's Land. I feel like I have nothing to cling onto to save me from this depression, this!madness, this chaos all around me that just won't end. Nothing to save me from myself. Anorexia is, of course, what I would love to find solace in. I would love to embrace anorexia as an escape from all this shit. (Ironically, it was anorexia itself that caused much of this shit in the first place. That is to say, as soon as it got out of control, my world began to crumble away.) But anorexia seems to be just a dream for me these days. I can't seem to get it back, no matter how hard I try. I feel like my life-blood has been drained from me, like my energy source, my spirit, whatever you chose to call it, has been stolen from me, and has left me completely listless, tired and worn down. I do not have the energy in me to succeed at anorexia again. That's the only way I know how to describe it. I'm not being defeatist - god knows, I'm still trying my hardest at this - but I have this gnawing feeling inside of me that I will never again know what it feels like to be 86 lbs, that I will never again succeed at weight loss, that I will never again have that control.

I hate this knowledge. I hate it because, without Ana, I have nothing. I do not have a purpose or any desires or even a life. God, I want it back so badly. Without it, I am nothing. And the more I think about this, the more I want to kill myself.

It's quite pathetic really. I am currently working on a Pro-Ana page. It's got tips, trigger-quotes, trigger-pics, etc. It's got everything u need to help you along the way to Anorexic beauty. But do you even see me following any of the tips or suggestions? HA! I can't even manage that much. To be honest, I think I started the page in an attempt to "be anorexic" or "experience" anorexia through writing about it. It's my last-ditch effort to live as an anorexic - through a feckin' website for fuck's sake! God, I'm pathetic!

xtremity




Sat 17th Feb, 2001

I know, I know, it's been a while. I've been working like a divil on my Pro-Ana page, and it's almost done, so it was worth it. Oh, and not to mention that crying, feeling depressed and entertaining suicidal thoughts, is eating up a lot of my time (!)

Yeah, last week was not a good one. In fact, this week hasn't been all sunshine & smiles either. For one, my insomnia has gotten ridiculously bad. I cannot sleep. In the past 3 days, i have gotten 5 hours sleep in total. Like, what the fuck?! And it's not for lack of trying either. Every time I try to sleep, however, I feel all anxious and hypertense, I cant stop tapping my feet, my mind is racing, and i feel like I'm going to go manic if I dont get up. I mean, I do realise that I am in a permanent state of tension and hyperactivity - always figeting or walking at 100 mph. I can't stay still. It stresses me for some reason.

Because of my inability to sleep, my concentration levels are all over the place. Plus, I get really tired at the most inconvenient times - particularly at work. If I do fall asleep, it's usually 2 hours before i have to go to work, and the small amount of sleep i do get only makes me more tired. I therefore have found myself taking more and more diet pills, caffeine and energy pills to keep going. Yes, I do realise that this is causing a cycle whereby I need caffeine & ephedrine pills to keep me going for work, which causes my lack of sleep later in the day, which means that I dont sleep at night, and since I have to be able to function for work the next day, means that i have to take more pills to keep me awake and alert, which, in effect, starts the entire cycle over again.



Sat, 10th Feb, 2001

It's Sat night, and things have gone from bad to worse. I dont know what to do anymore. I cant fight anymore. I cant do it. I have nothing left to give. I just want to die.

My life is nothing. A waste of space. I have no friends, no future, no career, no plans... More importantly, i have no desire to get any of these things either. I am so depressed. I just keep crying the whole time. I have nothing. And i have no energy or desire in me to try to make it better for myself. That's why I've pretty much given up. On everything. I just want to die. There is nothing here for me. Yeah, once upon a time, i had everything. I had anorexia, and i was fucking good at it. And anorexia gave me purpose. It was the reason that i kept going, the reason that i liked work and the reason that i wanted to socialise from time to time. It gave me a sense of self-confidence, of superiority, and I wasnt ashamed to show my face. Now, it's all been taken away from me, and i cant get it back. I've tried. God knows i have fucking tried. But i cant do it anymore.

The only reason i have not killed myself, is because i dont want nrgzed to have to go through another loss of life. I'm afraid of what that might do to her. Sometimes, i even doubt that she likes me enough to be affected by my suicide. That's not a commentary on her, but rather a commentary on how little I think of myself.

Sometimes, I picture myself hiring a personal trainer. I picture myself losing the weight again, regaining that control. But these are only passing flashes of thought. I don't believe in myself enough to believe that they will actually come to fruition.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I don't know how many more times I can pick myself up after falling. I'm just left with this huge ache in me. It won't go away. It hurts. God, it hurts.

In a way, it's like a person who has lost their sight. They find it so much more difficult to deal with, because they have experienced sight before. Difficult as blindness is, it is easier for the person who has been blind all their life, because they don't miss it. They've never had it. I feel the same way about my anorexia. At least if I had never known what it was like to be 86 lbs, I wouldn't miss it so much. Instead, I did get down to 86 lbs, and then it was taken away from me. Or I took it away from me. Any which way, it's much harder for me to deal with. I don%