Jokes / Humour

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And Now For Something Completely Different...

Funny Quotations!

I don't like people who take drugs - customs men for example.

Even if you're paranoid, maybe they really *are* after you.

Be alert...the world needs more lerts.

I said 'no' to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen!

I don't suffer from insanity...I enjoy every minute of it!

Take my advice - I don't use it anyway!

Menstruation, Menopause, Mental breakdowns...ever notice how all our problems begin with men?!

Follow that car Godzilla - and step on it!

Things to do in an Elavator!

Crack open your briefcase and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

Grimmace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up all of you, just shut UP!"

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!", and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body".

(from Jack Handy's Website)

Fun Ways To Take a Final that Does Not Matter!

Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming, "Andre, Andre, I've got secret documents!!!"

Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?!"

Run into the exam, looking about frantically. Breath a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor and say, "They've found me, I have to leave the country", and run off.

Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers in very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas!". Then, ask for another copy of the exam. Say that you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 minutes.

Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell her/him in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

People Say the Funniest Things!
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No Wonder My Computer Keeps Crashing...

taken from Ogo.ca Comedy Pages

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Rhetorical Questions

Why do they sterilise the needles for lethal injections?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make the TEFLON stick to the pan?

Why are there flotation devices under airplane seats instead of parachutes?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical questions?

Do you find it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a "broker"? Shouldn't he be a "richer"?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

When cheese is photographed, what does it say?

If lawyers are disbarred & clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?

Why is it that if someone smells something awful, they immediately offer it to the nearest person and say, "Smell that!"?

Why does soured cream have a "use by" date?

Why are a "wise man" & a "wise guy" opposites?

If horrific means horrible, why doesn't terrific mean terrible?

Who is Jack Schitt?

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt". Now you can intellectually handle the situation!

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, married O.Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt Inc. They had only one son, Jack.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple went on to have 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt & Dip Schitt.

After being married 15 years, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Against her parents' wishes, Dip Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop-out.

Meanwhile, Deep Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son of a nervous dispostion - Chicken Schitt.

Two other of the children, Fulla & Giva Schitt, were inseperable throughout their childhood, and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announcwed the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. he recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So, now when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them!